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Siyayinqoba Beat It! 2006 Episode 3 –

Youth and Parents

By the age of 20, 14 out of every 100 young people are already infected with HIV and most of them were infected in their teens. The support group discussed the importance of communication with the youth, especially when it comes to sex related issues in this episode. Our studio guest was a teenage mother, Nokubonga Yawa, from Khayelitsha who shared with us the hardships she had to go through because her mother never spoke to her about sex.

Shalom Ncala: Sanibonani, siyanamukela eqendwini lekwesekela lika-Siyayinqoba, igama lam ngingu-Shalom Ncala. Kuleli qembu lokwesekela le-Beat It! sonke siphila negciwane le-HIV. Sihlangana njalo ngeviki ukuba sixoxisane ngezinto ezithinta impilo yethu maqondana nge-HIV, ukusuka ekudleni ukudla okunempilo ukuya ekuvikeleni esithandana nabo. I-Siyayinqoba huhlelo lwakho lokuphila ngcono ne-HIV. Uma uphila ne-HIV noma unomlingani, ilunga lomndeni noma umngani osengenwe ligciwane le-HIV, i-Siyayinqoba ngeyakho. Uma usemusha kulikhuni ukhuluma ngendaba zocantsi nabazali bakho, kodwa ke uma befika eminyakeni ewu-20, abawu-14 kulowo nalowo ku-100 kwabantu abasha basuka besenalo igciwane le-HIV. Iningi labo lingenwa liseseminyakeni yobuthoba. Ngalokho ke kumele ukuba sikhulume kabanzi ngalokhu. Namhlanje sibhekana naloludaba futhi sithola kabanzi ukuthi ingaba abazali kanye nezingane zabo bangafunda kanjani ukuba baxoxisane ngcono malengana nezocantsi ngoba ukukhuluma ngokusobala malungana nezocantsi isiza uwonke wonke. Ukukhuluma ngokusobala malungana nezocantsi kusiza ekuxosheni izinkolelo nemiqondo engeyona, kusiza ekulungiseleleni abantu abasha ukuze bakwazi okumele bakulindele kanye nokuthi yini abayifunayo nabangayifuni kubalingani babo bezocantsi. Kuphinde futhi kusize ekutheni babambe iqhaza mangelana nezimpilo zabo. I-Siyayinqoba iye e-Soweto lapho sikhulumisane khona no-Musa kanye nabangani bakhe. Masibone ukuthi yini abayishilo. {IsiZulu} [Hello and welcome to Siyayinqoba support group. My name is Shalom Ncala. In the Beat It! support group we are all living positively with HIV. Each week we get together to discuss issues that affect our lives with HIV, from eating healthy food to disclosing to our loved ones. Welcome everybody. Siyayinqoba is your guide to better living with HIV. If you are living with HIV or you have a partner, family member or friend who is HIV positive, then Siyayinqoba is for you. When you’re young, it’s hard to talk about sexual matters with your parents. By the age of 20, 14 out of every 100 young people are already HIV positive. Most of them are infected in their teens. Therefore we need to talk about this. Today we look at this issue and we find out how parents and their children can learn to communicate better about sexual issues, because being open about sex helps everybody. Being open about sex helps to get rid of the myths and wrong ideas. It helps prepare young people so that they know what to expect, and what they want or don’t want from their sexual partners. It also helps them to take responsibility for their own lives. The Beat It! team went to Soweto and spoke to Musa and his friends. Let’s see what they had to say.]

“Sometimes I do ask my father for advice about sex”

Johannesburg, Gauteng

Musa ‘Innocent’ Msimango: Right now I’m studying drama at the National School of Arts. At the moment I’ve got three girlfriends, one from school, one from my hood and one from Mondeo. Sex for me, the first time I learn about it was in standard one.

Phillip Kunene (Musa’s father): Na ngafunda ngokocantsi ngabangani. Sibe sibh’lomile nabangani sikhuluma ngamantombazana, sikhuluma ukuthi injani i-sex. Kubemnandi kubenjalo ngaso sonke is’khathi. Angekhe ngicabanga ukuthi uses’khathini sokwenza i-sex manje ngendlela engimazi ngakhona. But ngingazi estradini lapho ahamba khona. But ngamtshela ukuthi if kungenzeka ngelinye ilanga Ufuna ukwenza i-sex, you must use i-condom but angiboni okwamanje ukuthi unayo because angiyazi i-girlfriend yakhe. So angiyazi ukuthi uyayenza i-sex or akayenzi. {IsiZulu} [I learnt about sex from friends. When we were sitting and talking about girls saying things like: “Have you had sex and how was it?” The way I know him, I don’t think he’s ready for sex yet. But I don’t know what he does on the streets. But I told him that if he wants to have sex, he must use a condom. But I don’t think he has sex now because I don’t even know his girlfriend. So I don’t know if he’s sexually active or not.

Musa ‘Innocent’ Msimango: Let me try this whole sex thing, I don’t want to be 21 and only break my virginity then. This year I broke my virginity because nobody knows about it. It was quite nice, although my mother doesn’t know about these things. At some point I wanted to have sex without a condom, at some point they were putting pressure on me. But I am going to speak with my dad and find out a bit of advice: “Hey dad should I use a condom?” I actually learned more about sex from my older friends.

Thato Litabe: Ama-condom well, ndifundiswe ngabangani bam like u-Innocent, ahlale e-emphasize lendaba yama-condoms. Uma uheva i-sex, sebenzisa i-condom ukuze uzoprotecteka {IsiZulu} [I learned about condoms from friends like Innocent (Musa). He always tells me to use condoms. When you are having sex, use a condom to be protected.”

Support Group

Shalom Ncala: Guys I’d like to ask you about your own experiences in terms of when you were young what was happening to you personally?

Busisiwe Maqungo: Xa simamele utata ka-Musa, uyayi-acknowledge indaba yoba [Musa’s father acknowledges the fact that] as much as ndinothanda uba umntwana wam afikelele kwi-stage es’thile [I would like for my child to reach a certain stage] before aheve i-sex, kodwa ndiyayiqonda into yoba endleleni andikho xa bethetha neetshomi be-influence besithini. [he starts having sex, I understand that I’m not always there when he’s with his friends.] So it can happen nanini na ndingekho. Mandimnike umphako so that xa kunokwenzeka uheve i-sex, do it ngendlela e-protected. [when I’m not there. I must prepare him so that if he does have sex, at least it will be protected.] I don’t think iyasebenza lento yokuthi abazali mabathethe nabantwana babo nge-sex, [it works to keep telling parents that they should talk to their children about sex.] I tried it with my son, zange isebenza, ukhe ubone uba nje the poor thing ndiyiputa nje on the spot. [and it didn’t work. I realised that I was putting the poor thing on the spot.] I tried bringing up i-topic about sex and ndifuna sithethe, mna [talking openly – I’m trying to be this cool mom who is talking sex with umntwana wakhe [her child] and the next thing is ubona into yoba umntwana akafuni ukuthetha ngalento lena. [the child gets so uncomfortable. He doesn’t want to talk about it.] Then I ended up stopping. But into ebalulekileyo is that I talk openly about sex in front of him, not necessarily with him, andithethi naye about sex but I talk about sex openly. {isiXhosa}

Vuyani Jacobs: I’m a twin and my twin was very lucky because he could get any girl any time. Honestly, I was very withdrawn, I was not an outspoken person because I was daydreaming a lot and I was reading a lot of books. But here’s the thing, as we speak when we are sitting together, you’ll hear a guy saying: “I went for eight rounds with that girl”, which never exists in one evening but for me it existed because I never saw even one round. When anyone asks me how many rounds did you get, I say: “Fifteen” because for me it was pressure. The first time I had sex I was like: “Wow it took me so long to get to the second one.” I wonder how did it go to the eighth round? My first sexual experience was very, I don’t regard it as one. I didn’t like it because it was about “I must do it”, after that I felt that this is stupid. Maybe I like masturbating more than sex.

Fanie de Villiers: Parents are in denial of their kids having sex and I think that’s also a point that needs to be worked on; that one needs to reach out to their parents to get them out of that denial system of saying that: “My kid is not having sex” because if you go and ask any parent especially within the white community: “No my kid would never have sex because I taught them well.”

Shalom Ncala: Sizophinda siqhubeke nesifundo sezocantsi kunye ne-HIV ngemuva kwekhefu, Hlala nathi. {IsiZulu} [We will continue with the sex and HIV education after the break. Stay with us.]

Shalom Ncala: Mbukeli siyaphinda siyakwamukela futhi ehlelweni leqembu lokwesekelana le-Siyayinqoba, okunguhlelo lwalowo nalowo ongenwe futhi nothintekayo nge-HIV. Sibonile ukuthi abafana ngabe bathini, ngabe amantombazana wona? Iqembu le-Siyayinqoba liphinde lahlangana neqembu labesifazana abasebasha e-Khayelitsha laselibabuza ukuthi ngabe bayakhuluma na ngezocantsi nabazali babo? Masibone lokho esikutholile. {IsiZulu} [Welcome back to the Siyayinqoba support group – the programme for everyone infected and affected with HIV. We’ve seen what the boys are saying, what about the girls? The Beat It! team met up with a group of young women in Khayelitsha and asked them whether they speak to their parents about sex. Let’s see what we found out.

Do you talk to your parents about sex?

Khayelitsha, Western Cape

Sinazo Ndlela: Ndaqala ndina-14 ukwenza i-sex but ndingazi nto. Ndajola ndana-16, ndamitha ke ngoku ndinomntwana. Wabe umama wam ethetha endixelela ngento zee-condom, uba mandizisebenzise ii-condom. {isiXhosa} [I started having sex at the age of 14 but I didn’t know much about it then. I went out with several guys then I fell pregnant and had a baby at the age of 16. My mother was giving me grief about using condoms and stuff like that.]

Nokubonga Yawa: Ndaqala ndina-14 ukuheva i-sex. Andizange ndiheve i-sex ndathanda kodwa ke nda-end up ndifumana into engeyiyongo because mna ke i-family endandiphuma kuyo yayi-poor then umntu endandithandana naye wayenemali emdala kunam. Nda-end up ndimitha because wayesithi xa engafuni ukusebenzisa i-condom nam ndingamfosi, ndithi masiyeke singahevi i-sex kuba i-condom ingekho, ndaqond’ba nam mandiqhubekeke ke. Ndamitha kunjalo. Mna nditeste ngo-2003 ngoku bendi-pregnant, nge-2^nd ka May. Ndaxelelwa uba ndi-HIV positive, zange ndizive mnandi because wonk’umntu soze azive mnandi xa exelelwa uba u-HIV positive. But ndafika ekhaya ndahlala ndisoyika uba ndizomxelela njani umama wam because umama wam usindisiwe and ngababantu ba-believe into uba nditye isono uzandohlwaya ngokundipanisha. {isiXhosa} [I started having sex at the age of 14. I did not start having sex because I wanted to and I ended up getting a raw deal because I come from a poor family and the guy I was with was older than me and he had money. I fell pregnant because when he refused to use a condom, I didn’t force him and say let’s skip sex if there’s no condom. And that’s how I fell pregnant. I tested in 2003 when I was pregnant, on the 2^nd of May. I was told that I am HIV positive. I didn’t feel good because nobody does when they find out they’re HIV positive. I came back home in fear. I didn’t know how to tell my mother because she is a born again Christian and she believes that you must be punished for your sins.]

Andisiwe Mbunje: Umama wam akakhathali mos, ungulamntu ungakhathaliyo and u-strict kakhulu. Ndajonga emnyango ndathi and zange athethe nee-sisters zam abadala mos ngento zee-sex umama’am. Ndathi mama’am, wathi yhe, ndajong’emnyango ndathi mama’am ndine-boyfriend. Le boyfriend yam ayifuni sisebenzise i-condom kodwa mna ke ndifuna sibenzise i-condom. Andamlinda aphendule, ndabaleka ndayotsho ekhitshini. Xa ndisekhitshini wandikhwaza, yheyi yizapha. {isiXhosa} [My mom is one of those people who don’t care much and she’s strict. I looked at the door. She never discussed sexual matters even with my older sisters. I said: “Mom” and she said “Eh?” I turned and looked at the door and after that I said I have a boyfriend and he doesn’t want us to use a condom but I want us to use a condom. I ran outside and I didn’t wait for her reply. I ran as far as the kitchen and then she called me back.]

Lulama Mbunje: Ukubangaba wena uzakusexa without i-condom, uzawubasengxakini ngoba usenoba neSTDs okanye usuleleke zizifo ezosulelayo oma-AIDS okanye ube-pregnant. Oomama bethu zange bathethe nathi kwaye futhi ibangathi ubuzothetha nge-sex phakathi kwabantu abadala, awunambheko. Awuzoze ubuze kwanto kwabantu abadala. Akuthethwa ngalonto ngoba thina sazingaziwa noba sinazo ii-boyfriend. Kwangunafunekanga sithethe ngento zee-boyfriend zethu kubazali. Kodwa mna ndabona into yoba eyona nto siingomama, kufuneka abantwana bethu babe-close kuthi ukwenzelinto yoba bangene ezintweni bezazi. Ndiyazidla ngo-Andisiwe ngoba ungumntwana o-open and ungumntwana othanda ukwazi and uyakwazi nocebisa abantwana. {isiXhosa} [If you’re going to have sex without a condom, you’re going to be in trouble. You might get infected with STIs or AIDS. You might even fall pregnant. Our mothers never spoke to us. And to us, talking about sex around older people seemed rude. You wouldn’t ask a thing from your elders. You just don’t talk about such things, because our parents didn’t even know that we had boyfriends. We were not supposed to talk about boyfriends with our parents. But I realised that it’s important for us to be close to our children so that they know what they are getting into. I am proud of Andisiwe because she is open. She is curious and she has the ability to give advice to others]

Support Group

Shalom Ncala: Sinomuntu omusha ogama lakhe lingu-Nokubonga Yawa ozosinceda ukhuluma kabanzi ngaloludaba lwezocantsi nabantu abasha. Siyakwamukela Nokubonga. Unjani kodwa sisi? {IsiZulu} [Today we are joined by Nokubonga Yawa to help us discuss sexual issues and the youth. We welcome you Nokubonga. How are you?]

Nokubonga Yawa: Ndiphilile sisi wena. {IsiXhosa} [Hello guys. I’m fine thank you.]

Shalom Ncala: I wanted to ask Nokubonga, did you have any coaching at the age of 10, 11, 12, 13, you know those crucial stages when you know that you are in puberty and everything is coming out, your boobs, your whatever, everything is showing, did you have any type of coaching?

Nokubonga Yawa: Hayi sisi andizange ndibenayo because into eyenzekayo siyashiyashiyana mos ne. singabanye abazali bethu basindisiwe abanye abazali babo banezanqondo zakudala. Owam umama usis’xhosana aphinde asindiswe kwelinye icala, zonke ezizinto zimhlanganele eyi-1. ndandisoyika mna even uqala kwam umenstruweyitha, ndathi yho umama wam uzondibetha namhlanje because uzotji namhlanje kukhona lomntu ndidibene naye. Yonke into yam ndandiyizimelisa, ezinye izinto ndiyozilahl’emgqomeni ndingazivasi. Then into eyenzekayo, umama’am wayengenozixelela uba mandithethe nomntwana wam ndimxelele uba kwenzeka lento kwi-sex, before aheve i-sex makethi, angaze ayiheve i-sex kwi-age ethile because of lento nalento. Ecaweni kuzothiwa uyamthuma ukuba makayenze, makahambe ayoyenza lento. And ngelaxesha ibithethwa ezireyidweni, kuthethwa nabazali uba thethani nabantwana benu. {isiXhosa} [I didn’t have any coaching because we are different. Some parents are Christians and others are traditionalists. My mother follows Xhosa tradition and is also a born again Christian, so she has mixed values. I was afraid to talk to her even when I started menstruation. I thought my mother would give me a hiding because she would think that I slept with someone. “Nokubonga what did you do?” I kept everything a secret. I would throw away some things without even washing them. My mother wasn’t the type of mom who would say to herself “Let me talk to my child and tell her this is what happens during sex, this is what she must do before having sex, and at what age she can start doing it because of various reasons.” The people at church would say that you are encouraging the child to do it, so she decided not to sit and talk to her child. And at that time it was also on the radio, that parents should talk to their children and tell them what happens. They should not have sex because they’ll fall pregnant and so on. My mom would just tell me that she’ll kick me out if I started seeing boys.

Lihle Dlamini: I think I can relate to Nokubonga’s situation because seriously there are some situations that lead you to having sex besides peer pressure like I started at the age of 22. But the reason I started having sex was because I didn’t have a sense of belonging from my family. I grew up with a mother who was irresponsible more than 300 miles away from me and I only knew my father at the age of 14. And then I grew up without that love from my mother and father. I lived with my grandmother and grandfather and I needed that sense of belonging, I needed to be loved, I needed someone to tell me that I love you. When I completed my tertiary education, if a person said they love me, I’d imagine to myself: “Oh this person loves me, oh this person is going to marry me” and that’s why I engaged in sexual intercourse. And I think it’s very important for us to understand that there are different things that lead people into having sex.

Thami Mthembu: I must say, I happen to come from a background where my mother and I have a beautiful relationship, we get along so well, we talk about a lot of things but I couldn’t talk to her about that because she cannot relate to it because it’s not something that she’s gone through before. And so for a long time, I mean it took me a while, I grew up telling myself that I’m not ready for sex. In my own words, I would say I was a matured young kid thinking I’m not ready for sex, I’m not going to have sex but everybody around me was having sex. They were all having sex and I couldn’t engage in conversations because I didn’t fit in. And because of that pressure I ended up, at the age of 19, well I may as well.

Busisiwe Maqungo: Ndifuna uqonda apha kuNokubonga. Wena Nokubonga uthi umama wakho zange athethe nawe but uba ngaba umama wakho wayethethile nawe, [I just want to hear from Nokubonga. You say your mother never took the time to talk to you, but if she had spoken to you, would you be comfortable, as I’m saying uba umntwana wam uvele aqonde uba hayi mama? [do you think that you would have been comfortable with it?] {isiXhosa}

Nokubonga Yawa: Ja, sisi if uba wayethethile ne, uyeva ngku sino-ABC [If she had spoken to me, I would be aware that there is the ABC], u-abstain, be faithful and condomise, at least uba wayethethile ndandizokwazi ukuzikhethela uba ndi-abstain or ndibenalomntu uyi-1, ndinyaniseke kuye okanye ndi-condomise. [I would have been able to choose between abstaining, being faithful to one partner or using a condom. At least ngendinakhange ndade ndamitha, ndibenomntwana ndiphinde ndibenebhasela ye-HIV. [If she had spoken then, at least, Maybe I wouldn’t have fallen pregnant, had a baby and contracted HIV.] {isiXhosa}

Vuyani Jacobs: What we need to look into is that our family values have broken down. Oomama nootata abasahlali bobabini, abantwana abasenabo abakhuluwa, yonke lonto. Abazali ayingabo bodwa abanothetha nabantwana. {isiXhosa} [Parents don’t stay together anymore and children don’t have role models and so on. It’s not only parents who should talk to the youth.] I think you grow up with a hero in your life, in your family, in your neighbourhood, in your brotherhood and I think it should be just an instilled responsibility for everyone, that you can teach the person who looks up to you. For instance, I think for me it could have made a lot of difference. When I came to the university residence of my elder brother, who’s the greatest hero of mine even up to today, what I’ve seen at his university residence, I saw condoms. I had several sexual experiences but when I saw these condoms I was like: “I wonder whom does he use this with?” because he never engaged that with me. I think if he did tell what those things were for and why I should use them because he was already in university and I’m getting there, to be with him in university. And when I got HIV, it was ’92 and I was just coming out, fresh and out, and I was just starting a good job. And I think it was within that period of me following his career, following in his footsteps that I got HIV.

Thami Mthembu: So that whole thing of morality versus realism is the issue that I see recurring because we’re also stuck on that morally. But the situation is it’s not the same as before. Traditions and cultures change with times and the time we are at the moment, the reality is that young people are having sex for many different reasons; whether it’s because of peer pressure, whether it’s because they want to put bread on the table and for many other reasons. Young people are having sex and that is the reality. We are not saying that the youth should go and have sex. But we are giving them options that if they are going to do it, or seeing the reasons for you to have sex, here are condoms. Here are contraceptives, here is the way you should go. And I think we are killing our nation if we continue asking why: “If you take condoms to schools, you’re encouraging kids to have sex”, there’s no such. And for me, I think if you know that you’ve taught your child well, the best thing you can do is let them loose and let them make their own decisions but do they decide to go and have sex, there’s an option for them; it’s readily available for them so that they don’t have to regret the consequences or deal with the consequences afterwards.

Shalom Ncala: Khumbula uma uya ecantsini, sebenzisa i-condom ngaso sonke is’khathi. Sihlale njalo sigqugquzela abantu ukuba bakhulume ngokukhululeka. Uma sikhuluma ngezinto ezenzakalayo ezimpilweni zethu, lokhu kwenza ukuthi kube lula ukuthetha izinqumo ezintle. Umyalezo wethu uthi thola umuntu ongamethemba, ozoxoxisana naye ngokwenzakalayo empilweni yakho. Kulungile ukungayi ocantsini, kuhle ukulinda ukuya okocantsini nokuzipha isikhathi sokucabangisisa ngezinqumo ozenzayo. Ungabamba iqhaza ngezinto ezenzekalayo empilweni yakho uma ungavumeli abantu bakuthathele izinqumo noma bakuphoqe ukuthi wenze izinto ongafuni uzenze. Uma uphila negciwane le-HIV, u-20% wabantu besifazana abangaphantsi kweminyaka engu-24 banjalo, awufuni uphinde utheleleke futhi. Kufanele ukuthi ube ngumuntu oqotho, ungatheleli abanye abantu ngegciwane le-HIV. Thatha igazi lokuhlola i-HIV, lokhu kuzokusiza wena nomlingani wakho. Ngaphezu kwalokho lthola umuntu ongakhuluma naye futhi omethembayo, kungaba ngumnani, isihlobo, abazali bakho noma umsebenzi wezempilo , umuntu okukhathalele ngempela futhi ongakhuluma ngokukhululeka kunaye. Siyathemba ukuthi niluthokozele uhlelo futhi niyawuzwa nomoya we-Siyayinqoba, ngokuhlanganela singayinqoba. Siyakuthokozela kakhulu ukuphawula imibuzo yenu. Ningasibhalela Kuleli kheli P O Box 62 Muizenberg 7950 noma nisithumele i-email ku info@beatit.co.za noma nisithinte ku www.beatit.co.za Masiphinde sihlangane evikini elizayo eqendwini lokwesekelana le-Siyayinqoba Beat It!. kuze kuba yisikhathi esizayo, hlalani niphilile, hlalani ninethemba. {IsiZulu} [Remember, if you choose to have sex, use a condom at all times. We always encourage people to speak openly. Talking about things that happen in our lives makes it easy to make good decisions. Our advice is; find a person you can trust, whom you can talk to about what is happening in your life. It’s ok not to have sex, it’s good to wait before having sex and to take time to think clearly about decisions you make. You can find meaning in the things that happen in your life if you don’t allow other people to make decisions for you, or force you to do things that you don’t want to do. If you are living with HIV, which is the case with 20% of young women under the age of 24, you do not want to be re-infected. You must be cautious and not infect other people with HIV. Go for an HIV test, this will help you and your partner. On top of that, find someone to talk to, someone you can trust. It can be a friend, a relative, your parents or a health worker; someone who really cares about you, whom you can talk to openly. We hope that you enjoyed today’s show and you are feeling the Siyayinqoba spirit, that together we can beat it. We value your comments and questions. Contact us on this address: PO Box 62 Muizenberg 7950 or email us at info@beatit.co.za or visit our website at www.beatit.co.za. Join us again in the Siyayinqoba Beat It! support group. Stay healthy, stay positive. Goodbye.]

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